Happy New Year!

I will be heading to Khon Kaen in the morning, so I will not be in front of a computer until Wednesday. So, I would like to wish everyone a happy new year early.

Most people will be staying up late on December 31 to watch 2008 arrive. I, on the other hand, will be staying up past midnight to make sure that 2007 leaves and is never coming back.

Have a good one!

Asking Thai Teens To Be Creative Is Dangerous

I was told that I would have to give all of my students a speaking test. These tests are always very boring, for me and the students. I decided that I needed to find a way to make it a bit more interesting for both of us. This is what I came up with: Instead of having a boring three minute conversation with them, I would have them pull three questions from a hat and answer them, the questions inside that hat would be written by the students, if they understand and answer the question satisfactorily they would get a good grade.

I thought that this plan was quite foolproof. Well, it was going very well, until I got to my Intensive English Program classes. Their English is much better than the other classes, so the questions were a bit more ....let's say, diverse!

I got the expected questions, like "What would you do if you had a million dollars?" or "Where would you go if you could fly?". But, the reason I am doing this post is because of the questions that I had to pull from the hat. I will give you a David Letterman style Top 10 list of the "best" questions that my students came up with. Remember, these are all real questions submitted my by students.

10) How can I make David Beckham fall in love with me?

9) What would you do if you learned your mother gave you HIV?

8) What do you do when you are alone in your bed at night?

7) What do you do if you make a bad smell on an elevator with someone?

6) How would you feel if you saw your boyfriend having sex with your brother?

5) Would you tell someone if you plugged the toilet with fecal matter?

4) Did you ever accidentally touch a dog's anus, like I did?

3) Did you ever watch your friend have sex from her closet?

2) What would you do with Mr. Brad if you could control his mind?

and the number one question is....

1) When you watch a pornographic move alone, what are your hands doing while you watch the pornographic movie?

Again, I have learned a lesson the hard way. I need to remember to be more strict with my guidelines and more specific with my directions. But, I guess if I did that I would have no good stories to tell. Praise Cletus!

My Christmas Show Was A Success!

I was very worried that my students were going to make me look like the worst teacher ever. Fortunately, they totally shocked me. They did much better than I had predicted.

One class did a play about Christmas trees. The idea was that one of the trees was a poplar so could not be a real Christmas tree. After he isn't chosen on Christmas Eve, some angels and elves come and turn him in to the nicest Christmas tree in the forest. It's pretty gay, but at least it had none of that religious bullshit in it.

Another class did a play about Christmas traditions around the world. For Mexico they dressed in ponchos and danced to Feliz Navidad. For Russia they dressed like eskimos(for some reason) and did a tango. For Hawaii they wore grass skirts and did a hula to Mele Kelikimaka. For Japan they dressed in kimonos and danced to a Japanese version of Jingle Bell Rock. Then came America. Four girls dressed in slutty Santa outfits, dancing to Rocking Around the Christmas Tree. I was so proud!

Two other classes did random songs and dances. Everyone seemed really pleased. It is December 26th here now. I am writing this from school, with a bit of a hangover. Next is New Years weekend. We are planning on heading to Esan for the celebration. Four days in beautiful and exciting Khon Kaen. Hopefully I will have and interesting story to post after that trip. Praise Cletus!

Merry Christmas from Thailand

I would like to wish everyone around the world a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I am not sure if anyone will actually see this holiday greeting, because I have no idea who is visiting this blog. How the feck am I supposed to know you have visited if you dont leave a comment every once in a while?? Eh, whatever...go to Hell. Merry Christmas!

A Video Tour of Lopburi

Another video to show how 'exciting' Lopburi really is. WARNING!!! Throughout the video, you will hear shrill Thai women cackling and shrieking in the background. Praise Cletus!

Lopburi Monkey Feast

I mentioned in my last post that the city of Lopburi is infested by monkeys. These monkeys bring a lot of tourists to Lopburi, so the people of Lopburi hold an annual banquet for the little vermon to thank them. This is a Youtube video of that feast. Praise Cletus! (Not the f'n monkeys)

Drawbacks To Living In Monkey City, Thailand

Friday December 14, 2007, Pibul Wittiyalai School was invaded. It wasn't invaded by Muslim extremists or psychotic gun-wielding maniacs...it was invaded by a monkey.

Lopburi is known all over Thailand as the monkey city, because the entire downtown is ruled by monkeys. Sadly for me, my school is downtown.

Normally, the monkeys may come on to the school grounds and forage through the trash cans, but one crossed the line yesterday.

The monkey came in to the teacher's office, sat on a conference table, and started eating grapes. The Thai teachers did not seem too concerned about this. They scared it off and went back to their work. I guess that having to chase a monkey out of your office is not a big deal for them.

I hate those f*@$ing monkeys! If you walk by them on the street in the downtown area, they will steal your bag or camera, whatever they can grab. One of my students was put in to intensive care back in June after she was attacked by a gang of monkeys.

Like I said in the title, drawbacks of living in Monkey City, Thailand. Praise Cletus!

RESPECT OUR AUTHORITAHH!!!!!

I found this picture on Mihaila's facebook page, and thought that it might make a good blog post. This picture was taken a few months ago on teachers day.

The basic premise is that students make little sculptures out of flowers and then present them to teachers. They lined up the foreigners (i'm the one at the far end), we sit in chairs, then the students come up to us, sit on the ground and bow, then present us with the flowers. I'm sure to an outsider that sounds "awe, they are so respectful!!", and yes, they are. Sadly, that respect only lasts until the end of the 60 minute ceremony, then most of them return to their normal little bastardly ways.

But, it does make one feel like a big shot, having students bow on the ground in front of you. So, it is a good confidence builder, even if it is a little creepy at the same time. Praise Cletus!

Normal News Day In Thailand

Spanky Has Passed

In lieu of flowers, you may send donations in the form of cash or money order to: Brad Fasquel, Lopoburi, Thailand.

Spanky Salladidiguyguy Fasquel

1993 - 2007

Hannah's Shame

I am lazy. I wanted to do a post about the incident that happened a few weeks ago, but now I do not have to. Hannah posted it herself on her blog, so I can just copy and paste it onto my blog, and add a funny picture of Hannah shooting a gun. Enjoy.

Ok. This happened about 3 weeks ago but I've been too embarassed to share it with the world outside of Lop Buri (there isn't a soul in Lop Buri that doesn't know about it due to the fact the colour of my skin making me stick out like a sore thumb and the fact that I am always out and about).

Many many weeks, in fact possibly months, ago Keara and I went to play basketball. I wasn't playing particularly well so I gave up and decided to climb the frame of the basketball hoop. Giving my desire for climbing trees this seemed a perfectly natural thing for me to do. Realising that it was easy enough and that I had a good view of the park and Tobie's bar it became a bit of a regualr occurrence. I actively encouraged many people to join me. I prided myself in getting Brad up there one night (I love Brad but. other than drinking, he never participates in my activities). I had Manjula, Lou Bear, Ice, Brad and Natalie up with me. Never all at the same time though.

My ultimate mission was to get Romy up. She is much like Brad in that she doesn't do pointless things unless they benefit her in some way. The night we found out about our visas she came out of the toilet and said that she wanted to go up. I was shocked because she had alwasy been scared to go up claiming that it would fall down. I took her up on her offer and showed how easy it was to get up. Then Chris and Melodie, a couple who passed through Lop Buri on their travels but came back to visit us, came into the park and I shouted for them to join us. Everyone worried about it falling down and I told them all not to worry. I told them I'd had this many people up before, which I later had to admit was a lie.

It was as Melodie was asking Chris to hold her drink and climbing up the next bar that I felt it start to go backwards. I looked over at Romy who's face was one of pure terror. Everyone was falling forwards except for me. It seemed to happen in slow motion and I just kept telling myself that it would be ok.We hit the ground and all jumped up straight away. I immediately started trying to lift it back up and when I turned round to shout on the others to help me I saw them all skulking off and a sea of Thai people rushing towards me. Romy was yelling Brad's name like a banshee. Once it was established that everyone was ok (damn lucky really considering I fell on the base of my spine. It was probably my relaxed thinking that saved me from getting badly injured) the locals set about propping it upright.

I felt like the biggest tit in the world. The next night Tobie asked me if I wanted to go up the basketball frame and I replied that I never wanted to hear the word basketball ever again.We went to check out the new bar for the winter festival yesterday. Brad saw a bouncy castle and saidI suppose we're all gonna have to stop you from going on that thing when you're drunk?I said definitley but then asked him if I could go on it just the once.

So, lessons learned!

Reflecting On Kraft Dinner

I recently received a package from my mother in Canada. In this package there were about 15 boxes of Kraft Dinner. This excited me beyond belief! Then one day after I got the blessed package my friend Natalie returned from Bangkok with two boxes of Kraft Dinner from the foreign food supermarket. So I am now fully stocked on the orange delicacy that so many Canadians hold close to their hearts. My new found K.D. wealth has made me think about why I love this cheap food-like substance so much. I have come up with a few reasons:

1) The colour. The flourescent orange is very striking. You know that this dish cannot be boring. How can any food that glows like plutonium not be exciting.

2) The comfort. I am sure that many Canadians and Americans would agree that eating Kraft Dinner takes them back to their childhood. Back to a time when their mothers did not want to make an actual meal, so they boil up a box of K.D. to shut the kids up for a few hours.

3) The memories. Anyone that has gone to university is probably quite familiar with the blue box. It is the staple diet for most university students, and I don't think that any of those university students really mind. The Barenaked Ladies put it best when they declared that if they had a million dollars they would not have to eat Kraft Dinner anymore, but they would...and they would eat more of it!

4) The convenience. No matter what is happening in your life you can always find ten minutes to boil some water and throw in a box of K.D. It takes no effort or brainpower. Perhaps that is also why it is also a favourite of the stoners.

5) The endless possibiities! Kraft Dinner is not just maccoroni and cheese. If you have any kind of imagination you can turn a simple box of K.D. into a culinary work of art. It can be as simple as adding some vegetables or meat. My personal favourite is to add fried ground beef. But bacon works well too. K.D. also makes a great side dish. It goes well with everything.

So, I hope that I have made you think about the relevance and beauty of Kraft Dinner. If you think that I have neglected to mention something very important about this fine product, then please let me know. Praise Cletus!

Teaching Poetry to Thai Students

Well, first I must say that I thought teaching poetry to my advanced classes was a good idea. That was until I realized that they had never read a poem in their lives. But, I am up for a challenge, so I forged ahead.

Everything was going alright. I taught them about rhymes first, then we moved on to simple haikus. They seemed to really enjoy writing their own haikus. Then we moved on to limericks. They enjoyed the limericks as well, so I thought that it would be a good idea to have them write their own limericks. I gave an example to use as a guide:

There once was a man from Beijing

All his life, he hoped to be king.

So he put on a crown,

Which quickly fell down

That small silly man from Beijing.

Then I gave the students the rest of the class to work on their limericks. They were all getting into it. Asking me how to spell words, and which words rhyme with whatever... At the end of class, I collected the limericks and headed back to the office. I read a few and they were quite cute. Many are about kitties or their friends. Then, I get to the limerick written by Joopjang. She has always been a bit cheeky, but I had no idea! Her limerick goes as follows:

There once was a shit from my ass,

It only wanted to eat some grass.

So it pee-peed in a can

Then the shit hit the fan.

That cute little shit from my ass.

Conclusion...I must be more strict with my guidelines and instructions. Praise Cletus!

Its Winter Festival Time

It is the time of year in Lopburi, Thailand when the city shuts down, and everyone moves to Pibul Wittiyallai School for a winter celebration. Since this is the school where I teach, it means that I get all of next week off.

But, the winter festival has other perks too! I think that the real reason they all converge into one small area is that they want to use their body heat to keep each other warm. Even though we are in Thailand, it can still get quite cool at night in December.

Tobie has moved his entire bar to the festival. But, sadly for him, all of the other bars in town have also moved there. Last night was the first night of the festival, and Tobie did not have many customers. Well, it was just Hannah and me. Not quite what Tobie was hoping for, but hopefully things will pick up tonight.

We think that we may have scared away all of the possible customers. We sat there in the middle of the bar and stared at all of the Thai people walking by. Maybe they thought that if they came into the bar, we would continue to stare. But, we had no choice, there is nothing else to do. The music is so loud that it is not possible to have a conversation.

We asked Tobie why he thought there were no customers and he blamed it on the layout of the tables. I dunno. I guess the place wasn't feng shui enough. The tables and chairs must have been giving off evil vibes.

Anyway, we will be back tonight. We are keeping our fingers crossed that there will be more people. The two of us can only entertain each other for so long. Praise Cletus!

Loy Kratong Festival Is...

It is Loy Kratong time here in Thailand. It is the time of year when Thai people give thanks to the water, or maybe pay respect to dead family members, or....ummm... I have no idea what this festival is about. I do know that everyone wears silly hats. They make little boats out of banana leaves and decorate them with flowers and candles. Then, after dark they light the candles and float the little boats down the river. Basically, it is an excuse for the entire country to have a big party.

So, when in Rome... We will be celebrating Tobie's birthday tonight. There will be a barbecue, and I'm sure there will be many drunk people. A normal Saturday night in Lopburi. Praise Cletus!!!

My First Time

So, I have finally done it. I am creating a blog. Not really because I want to, but because it is easier than sending seperate emails to everyone. It is going to take a while before there is anything of interest on here. I am still teaching myself how to do this.

So, that concludes my first official blog post. I hope you have been entertained, and I hope that you have taken something from this post that will help you in your own life. Praise Cletus!!!